Self-empowerment through setting personal boundaries... The
purpose of setting personal boundaries is to take care of yourself. Learning how to set boundaries is a vital part of
learning to own yourself, of learning to respect yourself, of learning to love yourself. If you never have to set a boundary,
then you will never get in touch with who you really are - will never learn to define yourself in a healthy way. No one deserves
to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your
responsibility in creating that in your life) - then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you
then with people who treat you in loving ways. Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love yourself, and to communicating
to other's that you have worth. There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first
two are setting the boundary - the third is what you will do to defend that boundary. Part 1] If you - Is a description of the behavior you find unacceptable
[being as descriptive as possible]. Part 2] I will - Is
a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of yourself in the event the other person violates the
boundary. Part 3] If you continue this behavior I will -
Is a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set. An
example of these three parts would be: "If you ever hit me again, I will call the police and press
charges. I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend
myself in whatever manner is necessary." It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula
with the other person when setting a boundary: The first two steps are the actual parts of setting the boundary. The third
part is something you need to know for yourself, so that you know what action you can take if the other person violates the
boundary. If you set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then you are setting yourself up
to be a victim of your expectations. It is not enough to just set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to do whatever
it takes to enforce them. You need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect yourself. It is also
very important to set consequences that you are willing to enforce. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you
are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship - then don't say that you will leave. You can say that
you will start considering all of your options, including leaving - but do not state that you will do something that you are
not yet ready to do. If you set boundaries and do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with
the same old behavior. Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will
be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person's behavior.
Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person - although some of the people who you set boundaries with
will certainly accuse you of that - just as some will interpret it as a threat. Setting a boundary is a part of the process
of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking what control you can of how you allow others
to treat you. It is a vital responsibility to yourself and your life. Setting a boundary is not a more sophisticated way of
manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate.
The difference between setting a boundary in a good healthy way and manipulating is this: When
you set a boundary you let go of the outcome. Making Choices You want the other person to change their behavior - you hope they will. But you need to own all of your choices
in order to empower yourself to take responsibility for your life - to stop setting yourself up to be a victim. One of your
choices is to remove yourself from a relationship with another person. You can leave a marriage. You can leave a job. You
do not have to have any contact with your family of origin. It is vitally important to own all of your choices. If you
do not own that you have a choice to leave an abusive relationship - then neither are you making a choice to stay in the
relationship. You are just "going along." Any time you do not own your choices, you are empowering victimization. You will
then blame the other person, and/or blame yourself. It is a vital part of the process of learning to love yourself, and taking
responsibility for being a co-creator in your life, to own all of your choices. Self-Empowerment When you look outside yourself for self-definition and self-worth, you are giving your power away and setting yourself
up to be a victim. Society has trained you to be victim. You have been taught to give your power away. As just one small example
of how pervasively you were trained to be a victim, consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, "I have to go
to work tomorrow." When a person says "I have to" they are making a victim statement. To say, "I have to get up, and I have
to go to work," is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The truth is "I choose to get up and I choose to
go to work today, because I choose to not have the consequences of not working." To say "I choose" is not only the truth,
it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-love. When we "have to" do something we feel like a victim. And because we
feel victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish whomever we see as forcing us do something we do not want to do.
We always have a choice. The choice may sometimes seem to be awful - but in reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion
that we are trapped will have far worse consequences in the long run. Becoming
A Friend to Yourself Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate
in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone
who cannot communicate directly and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend
to yourself. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself - to protect yourself when it is necessary. It is impossible
to learn to be loving to yourself without owning yourself - and owning your rights and responsibilities as co-creator of your
life. * The preceding boundary section was paraphrased from articles by Robert Burney. Thank
you for making this information available. About Setting Boundaries Setting boundaries means that you are taking responsibility, being adult and demanding equality and respect in a relationship.
Setting boundaries reflects your right to say NO to those things that aren't right for you. Setting boundaries is about learning
to take care of yourself, no matter what happens, where you go or who you are with. Boundaries emerge as we learn to value,
trust and listen to yourself. Boundaries emerge from a belief that what you want, need, like and dislike is important. Boundaries
emerge from deep decisions about what you believe you deserve and don't deserve. Tips
for Setting Boundaries 11] Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened,
"suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set. 12] When you identify a need to set a boundary
or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible. 13] You cannot simultaneously
set a limit with someone and also take care of their feelings - they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you. 14]
When you first begin to set boundaries, you may feel ashamed and afraid. 15] Be prepared to follow through by acting
in congruence with the boundaries you set. 16] You'll be tested when you set boundaries. 17] Some people are
happy to respect your boundaries. 18] A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.
19] You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner. 10] There's a satisfying side to setting
boundaries - it feels good. Examples of Setting Boundaries "You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings." "Don't vent your anger on me, I won't
have it." "This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours." "I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism
or your condescending attitude toward me." "I won't be disrespected - If you won't respect me, then stay away." "Keep your
hands off me." "Stop doing that... or I'll leave" [ report you; file charges etc.] "Don't try to tell me what to do." "If
we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect and equality." "I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding."
"I need openness and sharing in a relationship - your witholding is making our relationship not satisfying to me." Personal Boundaries - How do maintain them Ask directly for what
you want. This shows who you are to others. Nurture yourself and your integrity. This creates an inner, intuitive
sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful, abusive or invasive. Be objective about others' behavior
toward you without getting caught in their drama. Maintain a bottom line - a limit to how many times you will allow
someone to say no, to lie to you, to disappoint you, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.
Change the focus of trust from other to yourself. Don't put yourself in someone else's hands or expect infallibility.
Trust that you can allow others to be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy. Affirmations of Your Basic Rights Nobody has the right to know my mind or my business
or to tell me what to think, what to feel or what to do. I have a right to my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.
What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me - not what they want. If people
are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them. I don't have to
be nice to people who aren't nice to me. I don't need abuse or to be disrespected. I have a need and right to love myself,
respect myself and to stand up for myself. I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of
whether others don't like it. I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving as others might want me to or for not giving other
what they expect of me. I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have. I accept my
right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect. I believe that we should do unto others
as we would have them do unto us - to treated with love and respect. I believe that if I am true to myself and live by the
highest truth I know, that things will turn out for the best in the long run. "When one has faith that the spring thaw will
arrive, the winter winds seem to lose some of their punch." - Robert L. Veninga
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